This is great stuff, Pastor! I can speak from walking through my own ugly and difficult hurt while I was on staff at a church. These are all great points and helpful for anyone walking through and trying to process this topic.
Remember- a person who doesn’t want to hear your point of view is self righteous. A child of God is always open to learn a different point of view. Even God listened to different points of view, Moses, Gideon, Peter …. Only God has the ultimate & righteous point of view. Trust him.
Thank you for everything you've learned to be able to share this very needed perspective with us, Chris. And for investing significant time to convey this in writing. So many home run observations in this article.
After I found your note about staying, I landed on this article. Reading the two next to each other left me with a question I want to ask honestly.
Everything here asks the hurt person to do the traveling. Show up, sit in the back, watch, evaluate, take your time. That is kind advice, and it is more patient than most of what gets written for people in that position. But it still starts with them in the parking lot.
Your note started somewhere else. You stay. You sit there. That is presence moving toward the person.
So the question I keep sitting with is whether we have made the wounded person responsible for the approach. After I left the faith in 2023, I kept going to church with my wife and family for almost another year. I would have loved to keep having honest conversations about hard things there. But the format itself is not built for questions. It is built around one person talking and everyone else listening, and what is asked of you is assent rather than exploration. It is a hard room to be at ease in when you cannot give that, and eventually I stopped going.
When I read the gospels now, I am still moved by Jesus. Sometimes to the point of weeping. That has not left me.
And what I notice is that he almost never seems to be waiting for anyone to arrive. He is on roads, at tables, at wells, in houses he was not supposed to be in. He goes to Zacchaeus. He goes through Samaria. The one place he is consistently at odds with is the institution people were expected to come to. Whatever "church" meant then, it does not look much like a building with a parking lot and a service time.
You write that Jesus is the organizing principle, and I believe you mean it. What I experienced is that in practice most evangelical churches are organized around a set of propositions everyone is expected to affirm. Those are not the same thing, and the difference only becomes visible when you can no longer affirm them.
I am not saying gathering does not matter, because I know it does. And I know this is genuinely hard to balance. But after twenty years inside it, I do not think there is a way into that room for someone who cannot assent, and I think it is worth asking whether the burden of movement is on the right end of it.
Really good stuff, Chris. Lots of biblical, practical, and life-giving counsel.
Here was one of many truth bombs/balms:
"Healing in isolation is difficult because pain has a way of becoming its own echo chamber."
This is great stuff, Pastor! I can speak from walking through my own ugly and difficult hurt while I was on staff at a church. These are all great points and helpful for anyone walking through and trying to process this topic.
Thank you for sharing!
Remember- a person who doesn’t want to hear your point of view is self righteous. A child of God is always open to learn a different point of view. Even God listened to different points of view, Moses, Gideon, Peter …. Only God has the ultimate & righteous point of view. Trust him.
You make good point about considering how a person who is not able to serve at present is treated.
Your articles are always spot on and I look forward to them
Wow
Thank you for everything you've learned to be able to share this very needed perspective with us, Chris. And for investing significant time to convey this in writing. So many home run observations in this article.
Thank you so much for this information 🙏
Thank you for this.
Chris your writings give counsel. May I ask what is background, education, and sources for your positions?
Chris,
After I found your note about staying, I landed on this article. Reading the two next to each other left me with a question I want to ask honestly.
Everything here asks the hurt person to do the traveling. Show up, sit in the back, watch, evaluate, take your time. That is kind advice, and it is more patient than most of what gets written for people in that position. But it still starts with them in the parking lot.
Your note started somewhere else. You stay. You sit there. That is presence moving toward the person.
So the question I keep sitting with is whether we have made the wounded person responsible for the approach. After I left the faith in 2023, I kept going to church with my wife and family for almost another year. I would have loved to keep having honest conversations about hard things there. But the format itself is not built for questions. It is built around one person talking and everyone else listening, and what is asked of you is assent rather than exploration. It is a hard room to be at ease in when you cannot give that, and eventually I stopped going.
When I read the gospels now, I am still moved by Jesus. Sometimes to the point of weeping. That has not left me.
And what I notice is that he almost never seems to be waiting for anyone to arrive. He is on roads, at tables, at wells, in houses he was not supposed to be in. He goes to Zacchaeus. He goes through Samaria. The one place he is consistently at odds with is the institution people were expected to come to. Whatever "church" meant then, it does not look much like a building with a parking lot and a service time.
You write that Jesus is the organizing principle, and I believe you mean it. What I experienced is that in practice most evangelical churches are organized around a set of propositions everyone is expected to affirm. Those are not the same thing, and the difference only becomes visible when you can no longer affirm them.
I am not saying gathering does not matter, because I know it does. And I know this is genuinely hard to balance. But after twenty years inside it, I do not think there is a way into that room for someone who cannot assent, and I think it is worth asking whether the burden of movement is on the right end of it.
Great perspective for the #ones #dechurched