A man once sat in my office with his arms crossed and one sentence he couldn’t stop repeating. “They don’t deserve forgiveness.” If I’m honest, I understood exactly what he meant. He wasn’t talking about a small misunderstanding. He’d been betrayed. Lied to. Deeply wounded by someone he trusted.
Maybe you’ve been there too.
Someone said something they can never take back. A spouse walked away. A friend betrayed your confidence. A parent failed you. A church leader abused your trust.
When the hurt runs that deep, forgiveness can feel impossible. It almost feels wrong. After all, if we forgive them, aren’t we letting them off the hook? Aren’t we pretending nothing happened?
Those are honest questions.
And I think they’re some of the biggest reasons so many people struggle with forgiveness. The good news is that biblical forgiveness is very different from what most people imagine.
The Real Question Most People Are Asking
When people ask, “How do I forgive someone who hurt me?” they usually aren’t asking how. They’re asking why. Why should I forgive someone who never apologized? Why should I forgive someone who doesn’t deserve it? Why should I carry the burden when they caused the pain?
I’ve wrestled with those questions too.
Forgiveness isn’t difficult because we don’t understand it. It’s difficult because we’ve been wounded. Jesus never minimized that reality.
Neither should we.
Forgiveness Is Not Saying What Happened Was Okay
This is where many people get stuck. They hear the word “forgive” and immediately think it means pretending the offense wasn’t serious.
That’s not forgiveness.
God never asks us to call evil good. If someone abused you, it was wrong. If someone lied to you, it was wrong. If someone betrayed your trust, it was wrong.
Forgiveness doesn’t erase the truth.
It acknowledges the truth while refusing to let bitterness become your master.
Jesus Knows What Betrayal Feels Like
One of the reasons I love reading the Gospels is because Jesus never asks us to do something He hasn’t already done Himself. He was betrayed by Judas. Denied by Peter. Abandoned by His closest friends. Mocked. Beaten. Crucified.
Yet while hanging on the cross, Jesus prayed,
“Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.” (Luke 23:34, ESV)
That may be one of the most incredible prayers in all of scripture.
Jesus didn’t wait until His enemies apologized. He chose forgiveness while they were still mocking Him. That doesn’t make forgiveness easy.
It shows us what’s possible when our hearts are surrendered to the Father.
Forgiveness Doesn’t Always Mean Reconciliation
This is an important distinction.
Forgiveness takes one person. Reconciliation takes two. You can forgive someone who never admits they were wrong. You can forgive someone who never changes. You can forgive someone you never speak to again.
Trust can be rebuilt. Sometimes it can’t. Healthy boundaries are not a lack of forgiveness. They’re often an expression of wisdom.
Jesus forgave people freely. He didn’t entrust Himself to everyone.
Who Benefits From Forgiveness?
For years I thought forgiveness was mostly for the other person. I’ve come to believe it’s just as much for us.
Bitterness has a way of chaining us to the people who hurt us. We replay conversations. We rehearse arguments. We carry wounds that grow heavier with every passing year. Forgiveness doesn’t erase the memory.
But it breaks bitterness’ grip on your heart.
It allows God to begin healing what someone else broke.
The Mistake Many Christians Make
Sometimes we think forgiveness is a feeling.
We tell ourselves, “I’ll forgive them when I don’t feel angry anymore.” The problem is that feelings rarely lead. Choices do. Forgiveness is first an act of obedience. The emotions often follow later. Sometimes much later.
You may need to forgive the same offense more than once as the memories return. That doesn’t mean you failed. It means healing is a process.
What Has Helped Me Most
Over the years I’ve noticed something.
The people who are quickest to forgive usually aren’t the ones who have been hurt the least. They’re the ones who never forgot how much they’ve been forgiven. Jesus told a parable about two debtors. One owed an impossible amount. The other owed very little. The one who had been forgiven much loved much.
The same is true today.
When I remember the mercy God has shown me, it becomes much harder to withhold mercy from someone else. Not because they deserve it.
Because neither did I.
Before You Go
I’m Pastor Chris, and I write Faith Unplugged for people who want a deeper relationship with God without all the performance and religious noise.
After more than twenty years in ministry, I’ve discovered that some of our deepest questions are also our most personal. Questions about forgiveness, healing, disappointment, church hurt, and learning to trust God again.
If that’s where you find yourself, I’d love to invite you to subscribe. Every week I share biblical encouragement, practical wisdom, and honest conversations designed to help you grow closer to Christ and experience His grace in everyday life.
Frequently Asked Questions
Does forgiving someone mean what they did was okay?
No. Forgiveness acknowledges the wrong while choosing not to seek personal revenge. It doesn’t excuse sin or minimize the hurt.
Do I have to trust someone after I forgive them?
No. Forgiveness and trust are different. Trust is rebuilt over time through repentance and consistent change.
What if they never apologize?
Forgiveness is not dependent on another person’s response. You can release bitterness even if they never admit they were wrong.
Can I forgive someone and still have boundaries?
Absolutely. Healthy boundaries are wise and biblical. Forgiveness doesn’t require you to continue in an unhealthy or abusive relationship.
What if I still feel angry?
Healing often takes time. Forgiveness is usually a choice you continue making while asking God to transform your heart.
How many times should I forgive?
Jesus told Peter to forgive “seventy-seven times” (Matthew 18:22), emphasizing that forgiveness should become a lifestyle rather than a limit.
The Next Step
Is there someone you’ve been carrying for far too long? Maybe today isn’t the day every wound disappears. Maybe today is simply the day you begin placing that hurt into God’s hands.
Ask Him for the strength to forgive. Not because the other person deserves it. But because Jesus has already shown you that kind of grace. And that kind of freedom is worth pursuing.
Someone illustrated forgiveness to me this way: You wrote, "Bitterness has a way of chaining us to the people who hurt us." Yes! Forgiveness is taking the chain off our own hand.
If they don't want to forgive back, they can carry the chain as long as they want. That's their decision.
Many people misunderstand forgiveness. Thanks for explaining it very well!