I've been a Christian for almost 45 years and have been active in several churches. Like you, I've seen the incredible good the Church can do. I've also watched sincere believers be deeply wounded by fellow Christians and, at times, by church leaders.
I agree with what you wrote, but I still think there's an elephant in the room. What happens when church leaders know someone is hurting others and choose not to act?
I experienced this firsthand. A couple leading my small group were also church elders. The wife repeatedly wounded people in the group. I spoke with her as gently as I could, but she responded with anger. When I went to the pastor, he acknowledged that she and her husband were under tremendous stress because of family circumstances, but nothing changed.
I had compassion for what they were going through. At the same time, I believed they should have stepped back from leadership until they could lead in a healthy way. Instead, the people being hurt were expected to adjust, and eventually I was the one who left the group.
I've often wondered if some pastors avoid confronting influential members because they fear the consequences, whether that's conflict, division, or losing respected families. Whatever the reason, too often the wounded end up leaving while those causing the harm remain in leadership. Starting over at a new church isn't easy, and many people never come back.
I'm not saying every church handles these situations poorly. But in my experience, too many fail to protect the people being hurt. I think that's a conversation the Church still needs to have.
What responsibility do churches have to confront people who are repeatedly hurting others? At what point should someone step away from leadership, or even ministry, until they can interact with others in a healthy way? And how can churches protect those who have been wounded instead of expecting them to leave? If someone repeatedly hurts others and refuses to change, at what point does a church have a responsibility to protect the people being harmed rather than continue giving the offender opportunity after opportunity?
I think you're raising an important question, and one that's uncomfortable for the Church to wrestle with.
Unfortunately, there are times when leaders avoid confronting someone who is causing harm. Sometimes it's fear of conflict. Sometimes it's fear of division. Sometimes it's concern over losing influential families, volunteers, or even significant financial support. Whatever the reason, protecting the ministry can quietly become more important than protecting the people the ministry exists to serve.
None of those are good reasons. Shepherds are called to protect the flock, not simply preserve the institution. Compassion for someone who is struggling should never come at the expense of those they continue to wound. Both truth and grace matter.
I don't think every difficult person should be removed immediately. Repentance, restoration, and wise accountability are biblical. But when someone repeatedly harms others and refuses correction, love for the flock requires leaders to act. Too many people have left churches because no one was willing to have that difficult conversation.
I’ve been married a few times & have had 2 of my wives go to heaven. I’m still here though & I read your article. If you exchanged the word church for wife or husband in your article, then you might get a better understanding of the problem. Relationships with each other without the titles or what have you. First start with God & work from there but don’t forget how many times God forgives you, so you must forgive others & God forgets after forgiveness, so you must too. God will help you to be more like him if you let him but it will probably be by examples to experience which won’t be easy. God bless
Wow. I long ago stole Rita May Brown’s “you’d think God could find better help.” My search for belonging in the church led to spiritual bypassing (conflict avoidance in holy drag is a favorite quote but sadly I have forgotten who said it.” Youth pastor response to my brother’s suicide was to tell me he’s so sorry my brother has been condemned to eternal hell. 50 years later, it still guts me.
I am so sorry that happened to you. Not just because of the insensitivity of the remark but because there's nothing in scripture that supports the youth pastor's theory. Years and years ago, Breece Pancake, a well known writer, committed suicide. He was from the same small town I'm from, and though I was a bit younger than him, I was fast friends with his mother, the town librarian. His death neatly killed her. I checked on her several times during the week for years. Helen was able to maintain after a fashion until.a local minister, well thought of, well to do, Great people skills, got air time. And what would one of his first sermons touch on? Suicide and hell -- which is a holdover from medieval times due to Judas. In any event, I have never seen anyone come undone to that extent. There is such a thing as a mother's heart and hers had burst out onto the floor. I hated that man for years. I don't anymore because he's dead. And, yes, I know my response wasn't Christ-like, but the pastor wasn't there to pick up the pieces. Christ was. His mother got through it in a way I still don't understand.
So helpful!!! Enjoy your 3 coffees, on me:)
I've been a Christian for almost 45 years and have been active in several churches. Like you, I've seen the incredible good the Church can do. I've also watched sincere believers be deeply wounded by fellow Christians and, at times, by church leaders.
I agree with what you wrote, but I still think there's an elephant in the room. What happens when church leaders know someone is hurting others and choose not to act?
I experienced this firsthand. A couple leading my small group were also church elders. The wife repeatedly wounded people in the group. I spoke with her as gently as I could, but she responded with anger. When I went to the pastor, he acknowledged that she and her husband were under tremendous stress because of family circumstances, but nothing changed.
I had compassion for what they were going through. At the same time, I believed they should have stepped back from leadership until they could lead in a healthy way. Instead, the people being hurt were expected to adjust, and eventually I was the one who left the group.
I've often wondered if some pastors avoid confronting influential members because they fear the consequences, whether that's conflict, division, or losing respected families. Whatever the reason, too often the wounded end up leaving while those causing the harm remain in leadership. Starting over at a new church isn't easy, and many people never come back.
I'm not saying every church handles these situations poorly. But in my experience, too many fail to protect the people being hurt. I think that's a conversation the Church still needs to have.
What responsibility do churches have to confront people who are repeatedly hurting others? At what point should someone step away from leadership, or even ministry, until they can interact with others in a healthy way? And how can churches protect those who have been wounded instead of expecting them to leave? If someone repeatedly hurts others and refuses to change, at what point does a church have a responsibility to protect the people being harmed rather than continue giving the offender opportunity after opportunity?
I think you're raising an important question, and one that's uncomfortable for the Church to wrestle with.
Unfortunately, there are times when leaders avoid confronting someone who is causing harm. Sometimes it's fear of conflict. Sometimes it's fear of division. Sometimes it's concern over losing influential families, volunteers, or even significant financial support. Whatever the reason, protecting the ministry can quietly become more important than protecting the people the ministry exists to serve.
None of those are good reasons. Shepherds are called to protect the flock, not simply preserve the institution. Compassion for someone who is struggling should never come at the expense of those they continue to wound. Both truth and grace matter.
I don't think every difficult person should be removed immediately. Repentance, restoration, and wise accountability are biblical. But when someone repeatedly harms others and refuses correction, love for the flock requires leaders to act. Too many people have left churches because no one was willing to have that difficult conversation.
I really needed to read this for myself and my family, thank you for writing this piece!
I’ve been married a few times & have had 2 of my wives go to heaven. I’m still here though & I read your article. If you exchanged the word church for wife or husband in your article, then you might get a better understanding of the problem. Relationships with each other without the titles or what have you. First start with God & work from there but don’t forget how many times God forgives you, so you must forgive others & God forgets after forgiveness, so you must too. God will help you to be more like him if you let him but it will probably be by examples to experience which won’t be easy. God bless
Wow. I long ago stole Rita May Brown’s “you’d think God could find better help.” My search for belonging in the church led to spiritual bypassing (conflict avoidance in holy drag is a favorite quote but sadly I have forgotten who said it.” Youth pastor response to my brother’s suicide was to tell me he’s so sorry my brother has been condemned to eternal hell. 50 years later, it still guts me.
I am so sorry that happened to you. Not just because of the insensitivity of the remark but because there's nothing in scripture that supports the youth pastor's theory. Years and years ago, Breece Pancake, a well known writer, committed suicide. He was from the same small town I'm from, and though I was a bit younger than him, I was fast friends with his mother, the town librarian. His death neatly killed her. I checked on her several times during the week for years. Helen was able to maintain after a fashion until.a local minister, well thought of, well to do, Great people skills, got air time. And what would one of his first sermons touch on? Suicide and hell -- which is a holdover from medieval times due to Judas. In any event, I have never seen anyone come undone to that extent. There is such a thing as a mother's heart and hers had burst out onto the floor. I hated that man for years. I don't anymore because he's dead. And, yes, I know my response wasn't Christ-like, but the pastor wasn't there to pick up the pieces. Christ was. His mother got through it in a way I still don't understand.
Perfectly written.
Sharing
Matthew 6:33
But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.
Concentrating on Christ priority will allow every believer to find the purpose and assignment of why they were created.