Maybe you’re a bit like me, and you’ve stood in front of a mirror talking to yourself, rehearsing scenarios, thinking through things, and saying things you probably wouldn’t say to anyone else.
The interesting thing about a mirror is that it doesn’t respond to you. It just reflects what is happening in front of it. If you make a face, it shows you that face. It can be a great place to judge yourself in terms of appearance. Do you look tired? Is your hair a mess? Are you getting older? Do you see a new wrinkle popping up? How do your clothes look? Are you underdressed or overdressed for wherever you’re going?
The interesting thing about mirrors is that they can’t tell you how valuable you are, and they can’t reveal what your calling is. They can only reflect what you’re already doing.
I think the concept of mirrors can be applied to a lot of different areas in our lives. One would be our work environment. Often, the people around us reflect what we’re already doing. The same thing can happen in relationships. Our spouse, family, friends, accomplishments, and failures can all become a kind of reflection.
As I’ve gotten older, I’ve often used the mirror of what other people think, what they say, and how they act around me as a mirror for my own behavior, choices, and leadership. When people around me are acting differently than normal, sometimes I immediately think I could be the cause of it.
It’s not a terribly good way to evaluate myself because sometimes the other person is acting that way and it has nothing to do with me. I think I’ve become less self-centered in that way as I’ve gotten older, but this still catches me sometimes.
I think it’s different for every person when it comes to who they think they are and whether they need someone else to tell them who they are. Sometimes we measure our success and failure based on the opinions of people we care about. Other times, we somehow elevate the opinion of someone who probably should not have that much influence over us.
I’m not an expert on human behavior, but it seems like we have a desperate need for approval and acknowledgment.
Those mirrors are not completely useless. Other people can tell me things about myself that I need to hear. Success and failure can teach me, and my past can help explain why I react the way I do. The problem comes when I give those things the authority to decide what I am worth.
Success is funny that way. One day we can feel like we’re on top of the world and everything is fine, and then the next day we’re down in the valley. We have a hard time understanding why that is, so we start looking for answers.
Today I’m focusing on John 1, and I can’t get past the first verse:
“In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.”
John 1:1, ESV
Why would John begin a Gospel about Jesus there instead of at Bethlehem?
Everybody Has a Beginning Except Jesus
John 1 starts with “In the beginning,” echoing Genesis 1. John is trying to explain to us that Jesus, also known as the Word, existed before the world did. He was there with God, and He is God.
What I think is interesting about the phrasing at the beginning of John is that John doesn’t place Christ in the category of created things. He is outside the category of created things. Jesus doesn’t begin at Bethlehem, and all creation comes through Him.
Everybody has a beginning except Jesus.
I was the kid who grew up without a father in my life. I was probably fifteen or sixteen when I started looking for my biological father online. I remember there was a single picture in the family photo album of him and my mom standing together, and it wasn’t very clear. I really didn’t even know what he looked like.
At the end of the day, what I really wanted was to know who he was. What was he like? Was he somebody I could have known?
Before I started looking, I knew that he had been in prison and that he was, in many ways, mentally unstable. I knew there were reasons it would not have been safe for me to be around him.
What I didn’t know was that when I turned eighteen, I could have met him if I had known where certain members of his family were and had open communication with them. Because of the issues surrounding my father’s incarceration and the fear of being put into an unsafe situation, I didn’t reach out to the extended family I was able to find.
Then one day, during a random search, I found his obituary.
I felt like there was a piece of me missing, and I had lost the ability to find it and add it to my life. I understood the reasons why I wasn’t in his life, but there was always a desire to understand for myself.
It’s amazing how people can tell you something is a bad choice or the wrong decision, but when it comes to people you are deeply connected to, there’s a part of you that just wants to find out for yourself.
I remember asking the state for a copy of his prison records, thinking I might find a picture or something more detailed and personal about him. What I found was a troubled and broken man, and that was just the part that wasn’t redacted.
There was a pattern of repeat offenses. I think the thing that surprised me was the level of brokenness a person must experience to keep returning to the very thing that ultimately destroys them.
Finding all that information didn’t really give me any closure. It just gave me more questions that I could never have answered.
For a long time, I wondered if the part of him that was so broken was somehow in me too. I wondered whether I would live a broken life or, at some point, make a decision and lose everything.
My father’s story helped explain some of the fears I carried, but it did not obligate me to repeat his choices.
Learning about his story didn’t really change how I viewed my own story as much as I expected. What it did make me realize is that my beginning was probably one of the most unlikely things that could have happened.
Because I know my God, I know that He does amazing things with unlikely people. Understanding my father’s story helped solidify what a truly miraculous opportunity it has been for me to do what I’m doing today.
So much of what we understand about ourselves comes from our beginnings. Who was in our lives? What were their personalities and behaviors like? How did those things shape us?
I think that’s why it’s important to know where you came from. Family history can explain a lot about a person in terms of behaviors and patterns that might be familial or hereditary.
The hardest part is separating your past from who you are today.
There are pieces of your past that you were not in charge of and could not change in the moment. But there are choices you can make today about where you go from here.
When someone says, “Your past doesn’t define you,” that’s a nice thing to say, but it doesn’t make much difference when you’re actively allowing your past to define you. It has to become something you understand, but it also has to become something you live.
Understanding my dad’s story was hard. I think the hardest part was knowing I would never get to meet him and realizing that his decisions were not my own.
Every human story has a beginning. We have grandparents, parents, and history behind the history. Jesus has no starting point, at least not in the way we do. From our perspective, He has always existed and will always exist.
Jesus existed before my story began, and I think that’s important because His perspective is so far beyond my own. Because I know He loves me, I can trust Him, do the things He has asked me to do, and follow His example.
Before anyone had formed an opinion of me, before I even had an opinion about myself, Jesus already knew me.
So the question I’m left with is this: if Jesus comes before all of those things, why should any of those things get the final word about who I am? Why do I value other opinions above His?
He came first.
What If Your Picture of God Comes From the Wrong Place?
In verse 14 of John 1, we see the Word become flesh. God comes near. He becomes visible and knowable. In verse 18, Jesus makes the Father known.
I’ve learned that if you want to know what God is like, Jesus is the clearest picture of the Father.
The concept of father was always elusive to me growing up because it wasn’t something I saw in my own life. The few men who were in that role were so unlike good father figures that I didn’t have a realistic or complete example of what fatherhood should be.
And I don’t think I’m being unfair when I say there is a difference between trying to be a good father and failing sometimes, and having no concept of being a father because you’re not really trying at all.
Some of the best fathers I knew were on television. Knowing that those dads were scripted and edited and not real at all probably distorted my view of what fathers should be.
Because my biological father wasn’t in my life, I was able to compartmentalize my experience with God from him. Although there was a period of time when I thought my stepfather might take that role, it never really happened in a meaningful way.
I think one of the assumptions I had about God was that I needed to be good enough. That has framed my thinking for a long time.
It took years of learning and growing with God to understand that I will never be good enough on my own. My standing with God comes through Jesus Christ and His sacrifice, not through my ability to accomplish enough or perform well enough.
I’ve grown past some of that, but it still comes up more than I’d like to admit.
Another challenge for me has been trusting God in the everyday things.
One of the things that surprises me about Jesus is the way He treats people. When He approaches the woman at the well, He chooses to engage her before calling out the sin in her life. She didn’t have to be good enough to have a conversation with Jesus.
It seems to me that Jesus moves toward people. The people who make Him the angriest are often the religious leaders who send people away from Him or build barriers between people and God.
His patience seems almost never-ending for the person who is honestly trying to follow Him, serve Him, love Him, and still fails miserably.
He never avoids truth, but He also isn’t looking for opportunities to humiliate struggling people.
I think that reveals something important about God. He loves His people and wants to see them grow.
One of the things I had to learn was that God was not judging me based on my accomplishments or my ability to be good enough.
Jesus showed me that I am loved apart from my accomplishments.
Being a child of God gives me the incredible opportunity to be loved by my heavenly Father before I am valued for what I have done.
Curiosity Can Come Before Certainty
I grew up in a fairly large church, and at fifteen years old it seemed like a big church with lots of opportunities. Because I had been there for most of my life, I loved the people and the work that was being done there.
I started serving because I wanted to. At the time, I was serving in family and children’s ministry. I wanted the kids to know who Jesus was and to have someone in their life they could count on.
I did so many things in kids’ ministry, from teaching to administrative work, repairing and preparing the building, working with volunteers, and working with parents. I loved being part of it.
I was also terrible at speaking in public. I had a hard time getting my thoughts in order, and I would draw a blank when I stood in front of people with a microphone. But I loved music, and some of my first opportunities to lead worship happened in that ministry.
I remember leading groups, teaching, and training volunteers. In the beginning, there were a few leaders who gave me responsibility, and I was so excited to do something for the Lord. I also wanted to show that I was capable and responsible enough to do it.
At fifteen, I had an inkling that I would probably be in ministry in the future, but I had no idea to what extent. If you had asked me what I would be doing when I turned forty, I probably would have guessed something in technology.
A lot of people in my church family saw the preacher in me at a very young age. Being given the chance to speak seemed insignificant at the time, but I know that is where I got some of my first real feedback. Even though I felt like I did horribly, I just kept improving from there.
I didn’t have a lot of people in my life who were willing to really mentor me. It was more of a, “Here’s an opportunity. Go do the job. We’ll tell you good job at the end,” situation. Looking backward, I think it makes sense that some things took as long as they did because I was doing a lot of the growing myself.
The desire to dig into God’s Word, explore, and understand history was something I had for myself. I would do massive deep dives into Scripture because I loved it.
God has never shown me the whole plan in advance.
Looking back, there are decisions I would make differently. I probably would have tried harder to find grants or special funding so I could attend seminary earlier. At the time, I believed certain things about myself and about what I could afford, and those beliefs shaped what I did next.
I believe wisdom does the next right thing. We fall short when we demand certainty before we are willing to take the first step.
And the next faithful step is not always some huge calling decision. Sometimes it is much less impressive. It might be keeping a commitment, apologizing, serving when nobody notices, having the conversation you have been avoiding, or simply being faithful where God has already placed you.
We want to know the destination before we agree to follow because there is a level of trust and control that we have to give away before we can truly follow Christ.
That makes me think about what Jesus says in John 1:39:
“Come and you will see.”
About twelve years ago, I helped plant a church. I was a year or two out of ministry at our previous church, and in some ways I was starting over. I didn’t really know anyone outside of the church I had been part of, and there weren’t many people giving me opportunities at that point.
I knew that I was called, but I didn’t know when or where. What scared me was spending a lot of time doing something I wasn’t called to do and somehow missing the opportunities the Lord had for me.
It became clear afterward that I didn’t really need a church to affirm my calling.
If someone came to me and said they didn’t know what God wanted to do with their life, I would ask them about the desires, skills, and things the Lord has already put in them. Then I would talk with them about what the next step could look like.
Before anything else, though, I would make sure they are committed to having a relationship with God where they spend actual time with Him. They dig into His Word. They worship. They serve.
I believe those things matter when you’re trying to understand the calling God has placed on your life.
A lot of people believe uncertainty means they are failing. I don’t think that’s always true. Sometimes the fact that they’re asking the question and genuinely wanting to be obedient to the Lord is an amazing thing. They may simply need time to put the pieces together and understand what God is doing in their life.
I would warn them against falling into performative Christianity or accepting positions and open doors that really aren’t for them. And I would encourage them to pray and dig into their relationship with God because everything else flows from there.
Sometime this week, read John 1 without starting with yourself. Instead of asking, “What does this say about me?” ask, “What does this show me about Jesus?” Write down what you notice. You may be surprised how many identity questions begin to look different once Jesus becomes the starting point.
Start With Jesus
I think this is where John 1 keeps bringing me back.
I can learn a lot about myself by looking at my past. I can understand why certain things affect me the way they do. I can listen to people I trust, learn from success and failure, and even pay attention to the patterns in my own personality.
Those things can help me understand myself.
They just can’t carry the full weight of telling me who I am.
My father’s story is part of my story, but his choices are not my identity. The opinions of people around me can help me grow, but they do not get the final word about my value. Even my calling is something I am still learning as I follow Jesus.
John starts somewhere more secure.
“In the beginning was the Word.”
Before I knew who I was, Jesus already was.
That is why I think the invitation Jesus gives later in the chapter matters so much:
“Come and you will see.”
John 1:39, ESV
Maybe you don’t need to have every question about yourself answered today.
Maybe the first step is simply to come and see.
Learn who Jesus is. Spend time with Him. Let Him correct the parts of your picture of God that came from people who represented Him badly. Take the next faithful step He has already put in front of you.
Because before we can really answer, “Who am I?” I think John wants us to ask a better first question: Who is Jesus?
There is another side to this question that John 1 brings up. What happens when Jesus sees something in you that you cannot see in yourself yet? That is where Peter’s story takes us next.
Help Someone Else Find Their Starting Point
If this article helped you look at your story a little differently, especially the places where other people, past experiences, or even your own expectations have been telling you who you are, then Faith Unplugged is doing what I hope it will do.
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This meets me in the season I'm in right now, almost verbatim. Thank you for sharing this.